hugs and kisses

after last weeks failure of my homework, this week i have to do it. I am proactive in my problems but i am also great at making excuses to avoid doing things ie. homework.
This weekend has been very busy and tiring but on saturday morning i held nicki in bed for approximately 20 minutes.
both my mental and physical states remained calm thoughout it all, i think i was more nervous before and after because of what i was doing and had done and the expectations of it all. i had has one small time where i had to make more cool air around my face but i didnt panic or pull away.
I will keep trying through the week.

The snitch at the cement works on the east river...

has reliably informed me.
(by the way i find this quite amusing) according to nicki, last night she tried to hug me and before she had even managed to get her arm around me i was making rapid breathing noises (similar to Hanibal Lecter) and when she moved away they stopped. i cannot remember any of this and can only asume that i was asleep or falling but still aware of my surroundings. nicki now seems to think that i am planning to murder her whilst i am asleep.....lol
also last night, in one of my early hours awake periods i went to hug nicki and as i put my hand on her my breathing speeded and deepened and i felt faintly scared.

not an ABC but i can work on that later.

No sleep till brooklyn

The hug homework has got off to a little bit of a false start over the weekend. to start with nicki was treating it as a little bit of a joke.
Friday night in bed the hug was fine, i felt my breathing tense up a little and my alertness went up quite dramatically with my hearing playing the largest part. i was able to stay there for quite sometime but had to move in the end as i was totally unable to settle for sleep. Nicki was behind me on this occasion, earlier in the week she held me from the front and i found it very constricting and claustrophobic.
last night i went to bed earlier than nicki but didnt get to sleep, so when nicki came in she held me thinking i was asleep. my urge to pull away took less time and i did resist it for as long as possible. i found myself very alert and on edge last light and only managed 2-3hrs sleep at the most. It was quite a difficult night with my mind racing for the majority of it.

the flight of the bumble bee

After a rather dificult session this morning with CMF <----- (thats a good hint if you dont want to use your real name) CMF was determined for me to have a difficult time this morning, i cant blame her as due the week that i have had i did make for more things to talk about.
i dont really want to talk about the session as it was mainly a replay of my week and discussions based on that, the outcomes though have produced my homework, i do have two pieces this week that are based around intangibles and the feelings that they will arise.
my homework is :-
1. to allow my wife to hug me, everyday and document the events.
2. to find a hotel with a four poster bed so we can arrange a field trip. ( info - i have a phobia of 4 post beds as the room my incident was in had one, i have only been in a room with one once since then and i had to leave and request another room even though the hotel had been nice enough to give it to me as a free upgrade)

Tell me about your mother

Time to get down to my homework:-
after having such an up and down week my homework is either going to comethrough easily (hopefully) or be such a chore.
this week i have to talk about anger - this list wont be very accurate but may be added to at later date.
Times that i have allowed myself to be come angry.
1. age approx 10 - as i child my brother was annoying me this one time, as siblings do. to start let me decribe myself and my brother as children. my brother is 2.5yrs older than me and was always roughly double my size. this particuar day big brother just took it too far, and even with our size differences i wrestled him to the floor and pinned him down with a chair leg in his mouth. i then told him if he didnt stop the leg would go in.
2. age approx 15 - me friend and i were out one evening and we bumped into someone that at the time he wasnt getting along with. the situation developed at the time into a fight between the two of them we myself as a bystander. during the fight the other person grabbed my friend by the genitals and squeezed. this made me mad as to me that ws very dirty fighting, so i pulled him off my friend and proceeded to land several very angry blows and kicks. once i had told him that i didnt like what he had done the situation calmed and we all left (believe or not we have all been friends since then).
3. age approx 28 - Whilst i was recovering from my breakdown, i was cared for by my ex girlfriend Amy. Even though at the time i wasnt allowed to leave my home alone i used to quite alot as i couldnt cope with having my life taken away. One particualar night i have gone to the resaraunt that my brother worked at to see him. mentally that night i wasnt in a fit state, amy was there working i think and she said something to me. i dont know what she said or what happened but the next thing i knew was that i had picked her up by the kneck and was holding her in mid air. once i knew what i was doing i put her down and ran away. the rest of the night is a blur unfortunately.
4. over the last few years i have had times where i get rather angry at just minor things, they are more just thoughless actions. people not cleaning up after themselves etc... i simmer for a while and bottle it up, then blow up and then go away and calm down, the worst
I dont like anger or confrontation my friends used to say that i was the most placid person that they knew.

I now have extra homework through the joys of the internet.
this is based on my posts earlier this week about my panics.
the senario - im in the shop and start to panic, i dont run away, im aware that its happening, i try not to show it.
1. What would others think? - most people now wouldnt look twice, they would just think i was ill or mad and get on with thier business.
2. What happens if i show it? - i get looked at, or people comment or they just ignore me.
3. What happens before, during and after?
BEFORE - im genrally nervous or aprhensive about where im going or where i am.
DURING - i get more nervous, my nervous symptoms show more, i try to be more aware of my surrounding. my flight response keeps telling me to leave, but i fight it. at its most extreme i start to loose comprehension of my surroundings.
AFTER - im tired, nervous but calming, emotional, want to be alone, i need to see the sea.

this week i have realy struggled, i have spent alot of time in nervousness and mild panic. i have wanted more that ever to hold my wife dusring my sleepless times in the night, im getting very tired now. but my overwhelming reaction to people at the moment is to keep them away. last night in her sleep nicki touched me, i wanted it, i would have liked her to hold me but a large part of me was just trying to pull away and put as much distance as i could between us whilst staying in bed. i hate it, i know i have to fight it, but it is hard having one part of you wanting one thing and another the total opposite.

reply to CMF

you have too much free time on your hands.....it feels like i have a stalker :0)
thanks for the extra work

the last few days

The last few days have been quite funny after a weekend of being quite angry at others I came to work on monday in a calm but nervous state. This didnt last for long as Monday lunchtime whilst out i started to suffer from panic. On the advice of CMF i let it carry on and peak, i must say it is not a fun experience to be in a store trying to buy something whilst panicing and trying not to show it. I did struggle through it but the over bearing instinct that i had was to run away, this carried on through the rest of the day even when i had to spend several hours with a client.
That night and the next morning i both went to sleep and awoke with mild panic.
Tuesday was much the same as Monday but the panic was milder. I did both go to sleep and awake again wednesday morning panicing with small slips in and out of mild convulsions on wednesday morning.
I have been thinking about my "omiework" :) (sorry CMF i had to get one back for your "this is your last therapy session" prank last week)
It has been quite difficult to plot when i have been angry and let it come out or just bottled it up. I will move onto it later.

Omiework

A brief explanation to start with, my home work is to describe my thoughts and feeling that i have when i think about the room and the man involved.
I think the best way is for me to set things up by describing what is in my memories, with any hope it will help promote my feelings.

what i can remember is sitting on the bed, he is infront of me with a wall behind him, he is reaching over and playing with me. the room is pink, there are magazines around and the bed is a four poster.
the feelings that thinking about this is currently bringing are:-
sickness
escape
run
push
nervousness
lost
confusion
fear

addendum

i forgot to mention yesterday that i have been showing sign of quite obvious nervousness as i have been scratching and rubbing my head almost constantly. Now when i touch it, it does feel quite sore. I have known that i was doing it and havent now tried to stop or wanted to infact.
On a better note this morning i gave my wife a hug, this hug lasted sometime and i didnt feel the need to pull away. I know it wont be this way every time but atleast it is a small start.

sleepless in.........

After last weeks expectations of big problems, they never materialised. I also went to some new places and didnt feel overly nervous, and after a visit to the city centre on saturday (always something that i never relished) with no want to get out I have coped rather fine. In the market i was very aware of what was going on around me and rather vigilant but i didnt allow it to run my experience.
Its now Tuesday and I have had two very bad nights sleep (if you could call it sleep) and im getting rather tired and nervous, the forgetfullness is also becoming a problem. Im sure if i sleep tonight i will be ok.

T minus 1 and counting

Last night i got home from work after an afternoon of struggling to work, and for the next 1-2 hours i just cried and felt helpless. I think i am as i would put it "coming up on a big one" prbably in the next couple of weeks i will sink into a deep depression with a good quanity of dispare. Fortunately these only last for a couple for days, but the before and after effects last for weeks.
One of my main concerns last night was that how can i not tell my wife and family how much i love them when they are there but when they arent the feelings are so powerfull.
Today i have been getting more and more emotional and it is only almost 11am.