its the itchy and scratchy sho-o-ow

been rather scratchy and picky over the last few days, my head is starting to get sore today. i did get rid of my hair this morning as it does help with the problem.
i know why im nervous, its just the state of the job markets. not a problem. got ot keep my head down and just get on with things.

depressives are the strong ones

i was thinking earier today and this was brought on by a statement my wife made a few days ago. the background is that she is giving up smoking but extra to that stress she is a very hard worker but deals with stress in a very defeatist manner.
so the other day she says to me that i need to be strong as we cant afford to have 2 depressed people in the house (me being the normal depressive). the conversation developed that even though im the depressive she spends more time saying depressive things and saying she cant cope etc.
this got me thinking today like i said, "we are the strong ones" i may not seem like it but it is true.
i spend a large part of my day struggling with my own mind and the thoughs extra to what im supposed to be doing. what do i do? i carry on, forge ahead. i have bad days like most where im of no use to anyone but i carry on, we all do.
the so called non depressives are the ones that make flippant statements about " oh... i could top myself"....etc but it is us that have the genuine feelings of guilt, fear, self loathing and all the rest but most of us just carry on, we fight.

WE ARE THE FIGHTERS, THE STRONG ONES, DONT GIVE UP.

did you know " there are apple trees on the hollywood bypass"

had a funny morning this morn, whilst on the phone earlier i had a few blankspots and was seeing confusion creeping in. i didnt take much notice of it. then as i was on my way to the office i was loosing time and being very distracted (not very good on a motorbike).
things have been stressful for the last few days so i am just putting it down to this as the root cause.
hopefully no crashes this week

the calm "after" the storm... thats wrong plain wrong

today folks has been a very quiet placid day. luckily i have had a day conducive to keeping me in a good state of mind, plenty of traveling, so gardening and people that accept me for me.
nothing else to say.....int milk brill :)

1pm

today is becoming very hard, after telling my wife last night that i cant respect her because she doesnt respect herself (this is over her lies about wishing to stop smoking, not just for her but for our old age) there is a sense of coldness in the air.
ive spent a few hours chatting to my cousin today she cheers me up and i do wish we werent so far appart, but allas we are.
im getting really tired now and dull of mind, the urge to go is very great. my instinct is telling me that i have to leave after i do my evening call later as i cant let this gent down. i dont know where i would go or what i would do other than cause more upset for me and others.
i know that i wont leave, and the sea is too far away to go, but i think it is time for a pilgrimage.

there's panic on the streets of birmingham

well this is quite apt. i was chatting to my cousin yesterday, whom i found again only recently via another site. we have been chatting quite regular (partners in crime eh! cuz) she is another depressive like myself, seems like its not just me and our maternal grandfather that were the fruit cakes in the family. its nice to chat to her as we have always had a good bond from childhood, she suffers (i hate the medical term so i will use what i consider the more glamorous) manic depression and keeps me on my toes, more so she even checks up on me if i drop offline for a while.
yesterday we were chatting and it was brought up that i havent blogged for a while (this is not the reason i am blogging today) and after a rough night i decided i need to post today.
the last few weeks have been quite busy and stressful, my routines for going through daily life have been more disturbed than i have been able to cope with, not that they were always set in stone.
i think things came to a head yesterday as many things i had been thinking about (injustices) i had to turn into verbal responses so last night after working myself up whilst doing my commute. **** WARNING TO ALL, DO NOT BE ONE THE ROADS IN A VEHICLE LARGER THAN THE ONE I AM IN OR ON WHILST I AM CONFUSED. YOU ARE NOT SAFE. ESPECIALLY IF I AM ON MY BIKE****I WILL TAKE YOU ON AND WIN****
so back to the tale. i got home and got off my chest what i needed then a short while later retired to bed. i am quite emotionally tired at the moment, i have had a good few months so it isnt surprising. during the night i awoke and my senses were very strong and my mind was running over time, even though i did manage to sleep again for a short while my mind keep running in the background (at this point i have to thank "the smiths" for the title as the song has been going round in my head for weeks now and especially last night and this morning).
this morning i am very tearfull at everything, i spent most of my comute holding the tears back and analysing everything and everyone as i went past.
i just want to run away and hide at the moment, last night i wanted to go out for a long walk alone but one that i may not do the return journey for. its time for change???? lets see.