un named

today has been quite a struggle, an mixture of depression, confusion and self doubt. Im typing this as quicklyas i can as im doubting everything that i think. the next thought takes over the previous and so on. im crying i have needed to go outside for the past several hours but i cant do it, i have looked out of the office windows and looked at others getting along with their lives, even wandering who could be another of the 1 in 4 of us depressives.
my instict is telling me to cry and hide, i dont know what to do, i hope nicky arrives soon.

Newtons Third Law of Motion

The last few days have been rather difficult in certain ways for me. Monday started as a normal day, but the pressures of work and life soon showed themselves after two alcoholic drinks at lunch to see a coleague off back to his home in New Zealand.
I have to say i was a horrible person, i was rude, crude and nasty to my wife and a member of staff (I have since appolgised and spent time in the dog house).
After very little sleep Monday night, i spent most of it in a state of high nervousness and in a medium episodic state. Tuesday morning was a combination of the shakes and semi incoherance. In hind sight i am trying to justify it to being a combination of the release of the energy that was showed the day before plus the aftermath of that too (dog house time). Plus also i was getting worked up about going to a small live lounge set by The Pigeon Detectives at Kerrang Radio. I have to say i was scared about going to this new place even with someone that i know quite well but had never spent time alone with. I even tried to get others to go instead.
These fears did lower as the time neared and the person i was going with arrived, and by the time of the gig i was quite relaxed other than my usual checking of where everyone was.
As Newtons Third law states : - for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

For MicroComputisLupus

Hi

I thought I would make my reply here and not on your blog for all you coleagues to see easily.
It is nice to hear that you are feeling better, i ahd thought that i had posibly frightened you away but it is very nice to hear from you.
I must agree that talking is one of the best and easiest ways to fight depression, unfortunatelly when you are depressed it is one of the hardest things to do. I find myself making excuses for when i must talk to my wife even if i realy need to talk to her, but as the old saying goes "the longest walk is from the chair to the table".

Please keep intouch and let me know how things go on.

:)

omiework...re-scription

this homework is to re visit the scene of my event in my mind, get to the last point that i can remember and then place myself in the room with my younger self and the man, and help the teen in the room.

...younger is on the bed having things done to him, i enter then the door is shut. my options would be:-
1 - leave him there as i know the future.
2 - drag him away and explain later, without approaching the man.
3- forcibly remove the man and then take younger whilst explaining.
4 - explain to younger what is going to happen and how it could affect his future life.
5 - forcibly remove younger without any regard for the man.
or any combination of the above.

im now in a very big quandry, as other than my mental health problems i am happy with my life and the things that i have seen on the way. would i want younger to miss out on those things, as my experiences are part of the sum of what makes me me. but i cant leave him there to have my fate. violence would make my as bad as him. to just explain and them leave him to make the decision is a great risk that i wouldnt want.

to finish......
im in the room down near the tv. i walk towards younger and him, i say to younger "we have to go, and i will explain later".
whilst doing this i place myself between younger and him and urge what must be a confused and shocked teenager to straighten his clothing all the time checking what the man is doing.
the man would leave the room to escape any reprisals or atleast move away as i think he would be like that, if not i would use my strength to make way.
we would exit the room and the house whilst letting younger know that all will be explained once i get him away.
when we are home i explain my fate at the mans hands and that i was only trying to save him from future harm, but i think the damage has already been done. my presence and the situation would have been enough to confuse.

feelings, nothing but feelings

ok....this is a what can be called live broadcast. im having feelings so im going to try put them down.
for the last couple of hours i have been distracted and found it hard to concentrate on work. i have got to the point now where i have been physically nervous for some time now, my head is starting to get cloudy and my jaw is tightening and clenching. when i have choises like comeputer menus, i know which one i need but i am finding it hard to choose it from the list and then question it when i have found it. i feel as though someone is over me .thoughts are comeing and going, with little knowledge of what they are. my concentration is focussed on this. im starting to feel the muscles pull up from my chest to my throat and jaw on my left side. the left side of my head feel differnent to the rest, feels cloudy and heavy, my right eye feels wider too.

The truth is out there

On friday FMC made a point and tried to figure out if i was holding back, as if in some way to protect others and her from what i know and have experienced. The point was based around the difficulties that i have in expressing what i am thinking (if i even know at the time) and how i do or dont convey it to others.
This morning i woke early and found myself thinking about this, it is very easy to say that i have come to some conclusions about this and not explain how i came to these conclusions.
so its time for me to ramble on a little (as i do). Firstly i will say that i came to the conclusion that i do in someway try to shield people from my past and my present. This has to be something that i must get past very quickly as it doesnt help me, and it also make FMC's job a whole lot harder as without the whole story how is she supposed to help me to the best of her ability.
My conclusions arise from thinking through past actions and decisions and current methods of living. I dont know how to put this into words but i will try. The points that made me think were:-
1:- My decision not to have children, that is a two part decision.
(i) The statement that "the abused become abusers" has always been in my mind and i cant allow my past to become someone else's future. TRYING TO PROTECT.
(ii) Also by not having children i am stoping through my own fear a child from having the same fate as me. TRYING TO PROTECT.
2:- For many years i didnt talk to anyone about my past, that was for many reasons.
(i) I didnt tell my parents to stop my father doing something stupid and ending up ruining his life, i also didnt think that they would understand and may ostracise me (the opposite to what they did when they found out). Finding out did hurt my parents but i think it hurt them the most because both i and they found it very hard to talk about. I also felt the cliches of being dirty and it being my fault (this is something that FMC has tried to address that maybe in my naivety i gave out the wrong signals, and it is a very hard thing to deal with but one of the areas that i feel i am going into quite well).
(ii) I didnt tell friends and other loved ones in a way to protect them from my experiences, it was easier for me to cope with them just thinking that i was a little odd than as i thought they would deal with me (how wrong was I)
3:- At present i tend to tell people only what they need to know for a given situation, in most situations this is ok, as in certain situations like getting a job i could guarantee that not getting the job by telling people that i have a fear of men and other things brought about by ...... . This is now becomeing a problem as i dont talk to my wife enough and i am finding it hard expressing things to FMC. This is coming about as i try not to let people know everything so as not to put upon them or disturb them. It is just another way of protecting people as i have found that when i do tell people their reaction can be very different to what i expected. I have found in the past it is amazing how many people have been abused in the past and the release of telling someone who has shared the same experiences is a great help.

So yes i do seem to be my own biggest hurdle, i have a habit of trying to protect others from something that will not harm them. It can also stimulate conversation and not always from myself as we all need to talk sometimes. So now im seeing what i am doing it maybe easier for me to get past it and forge ahead.

NEWS FLASH - Even though i am finding things hard, my sessions with FMC seem to be producing positive results, my episodes are receeding and their severity has dropped dramatically, im not saying im fine but improvements are happening. Thanks FMC

do androids dream of electric sheep?

It has been almost two weeks since my last post, this has been both deliberate and accidental. After a visit back to my home county to see some friends two weekends ago i slipped into quite a black period of depression for the most of last week. It could have been a mixture of going home and alcohol, but the week was quite difficult.
I have a friend back home, i havent seen her for a couple of years now. This friend is a bright and vibrant woman but also behind all the bubbles in her personality she is a reactive depressive who can be triggered by all manner of bad situations. I wouldnt consider myself a reactive depressive as my moods just go up and down and after a nice period of relative calm i hit quite a bad patch but i do believe external stimulus can play a part in the onset and regression of my depressive periods. For the most of the week both i and my wife will admit i was in a terrible bad mood, this wasnt helped by almost 3 days on relatively little sleep and very high stress. As the week progressed i slipped into a darker and darker mood and by Thursday / Friday i was ready to end it all in many different ways.
I was mainly ready to just drive away from my marriage, business and life and start again somewhere different. Sometimes i wondered what life was like when you could just go somewhere else, use a different name and there not be a paper trail to follow you. I think if the deppression had carried on for much longer i would have seriously considered something more stupid and drastic, but we wont go into that.

To my relief and as seems to be the case my depression did lift and life has gotten back to normal, or as normal as it can be with me. Nicki and i have talked, luckily it is something that i am learning to do more, as it is difficult as you do feel obliged not to ruin someone else's day when you want to talk.
I do feel sorry for FMC as she has chosen to be a therapist and she gets people like me that have these problems and fears and reactions to everyday life, i go to see her and we talk but i feel like i am cheating her as when we talk i find it very hard to explain why i am thinking and feeling how i am. Most of these actions seem so ingrained within me that there is no longer any thought or emotion behind, they are just there.
We are making progress though, even with the problems last week where nicki could and possibly wouldnt have come close to me. I am allowing more physical contact, hugs are getting easier.....it will be a long time before they are easy and without and complications.

Depression does have some benefits (not that i want them permanently). It does give you alot of time to think about your problems and sometimes even to start and solve them as the depression tends to block much of the rest of life out.
Last week FMC went to a conference and i was asked if could be used as a case study for her to present, i consented as any person with an ego would. I must admit though i am looking forward to hearing about my reception from the conference and would love to hear any sugestions from FMC's peers.
I am lucky as my periods are more sporadic, i know that i will come out and things will be brighter. In the end you do have to answer the title question.....YES. As like trees falling in a forest, yes there is a noise as we all have a voice and the ability to think and dream of our future, hopefully we will learn to leave the past behind.

in space no one eats ice cream

not much news this week, the last few week i seem to have calmed down. im not nervous for the majority of my time, after my homework non starter of previous weeks my calmness has caused the opposite problem but i have achieved something with it.
my other homework for the past week was to document my problem sleeping...... bit of a problem with that.
over the last week, my more settled demeanour has enabled my to sleep through practically every night.

it does seem that the tree does make noise if it falls in the empty forest.