Hi I'm d,
I'm a 35 year old man at the time of writing. I was born, grew up and spent the first 30yrs of my life in a small northern england city. My wife believes that i had a great childhood, which looking back on it for the most part i did.
My story starts at the age of 15 i was raped / sexually assaulted by a male. This incident set me of on quite a voyage of both change and discovery. It may seem sometimes that i write about past events with a smile, this is because even though these events and ones afterward were damaging to me both physically and ultimately mentally, i see them all as learning experiences. Without them i would not be the person that i am today. I have no regrets for the things that i have done and the places that i have seen, both real world and mentally.
As i said, a little background.
At the age of 15 i was raped, the incident its self i have little recollection from the start up until a couple of hours later (please don't ask me about it as my reply would be "i don't know"). Those couple of hours later i found myself on a bridge ready to jump off with a weighted backpack with the intention to kill myself. It was then that i decided that there has to be something better in life.
Needless to say at the time i receded into myself, failed at the end of my schooling. But it gave me a clean sheet to start to change myself into someone that wasn't the person from that day.
The voyage began in 1988, it became my goal to not be that person again, as if i was then it could happen again, i also had to never be in any one place long enough to be caught.
I was lucky in those early days, i met a great college tutor that taught me the importance of both thinking for yourself and being yourself. Over the years SC's teachings have stuck with me.
Over the next few years i proceeded on a course of my own self destruction, not through drink or drugs (i always saw them as a losers way out). If you hide behind a drug induced blanket what do you gain.....just another monkey for your back, in my eyes.
I chose something equally destructive but something that would always keep my mind clear for its much needed survival uses. I chose to diet and exercise myself almost to death, over the course of several years i reduced my body lack of food and extreme exercise so i had a waistline smaller that of a 5yr olds. I was ultra fit but by my mid 20's my intestines and and other parts of my body were collapsing.
In whose years i was also damaging my mental health, as a child i was inquisitive and loved knowledge. After the event i had to keep my mind constantly busy, if anything just to keep me from reliving that time. Over the years i developed a state of hyper alertness that helped my keep track of everything and everyone around me, this still goes on now but it is something that i am trying to work out, i also try to keep people at a distance as in my mind people closest are the ones that can do the most hurt. Over the years i have developed certain little idiosyncrasies that some i notice and some i dont, i think others notice them more, but maybe they dont.
By my late 20's i had already suffered physical collapse, this brought on physical depression. It took me many months from my first steps to being able to walk the 3 miles from home to town and back, but i strived to get past it. I do have an issue when things try to beat me, i cant let it happen.
In 1999 i suffered my most major set back, after 11 years of mentally constricting myself, my brain decided enough was enough as sent me into what can most simply be described as a non-epileptic epileptic fit, this fit lasted for the most part nearly 4 months. In the time that i wasn't in seizure i was in a stupefied state incapable of looking after myself. These seizures come back now if i make my brain work to much for too long. There are other things such as the depression, paranoia and fear that i will discuss throughout my time on here.
As i said before it hasn't all been bad, over the years i have gained a Bachelor of Science degree with Honours, I'm a director In two business's. One working in the care industry, and the other in Structural design. I did start a Bachelor of Laws degree, but the business's had to take precedent. Who knows i may go back to it.
Several years ago i moved from my home town to try lessen my fears by taking me away from things that would prompt my memories, as i few times i had seen the man and over time my fears had not lessened. After a bit of a false start I'm now happily married, with a wife that tries to understand what makes me tick/ or not as the case may be. I do get the urge to run away and start the changes but i resist. I see a psychologist who does work me hard mentally, I have a supportive GP who after some medication false starts allows me to cope without and just monitor me from afar.
This blog is going to be as much a diary for me and my psychologist to work through, as a point for us to talk from, also something to help me do my homework's from as i have a habit of not doing them . I hope that for anyone that reads this with or without a story to tell, i hope that you can find some hope or help. For me talking is my greatest weapon for coping with life. So those times when its not right to talk i can put things down here and maybe i wont forget for later.
Thanks
d :)
