return of the ugly

hello world,

it has been too long, but as those that know me........up and down on projects. the road to hell and all that.
for 4 of the last 5 months i have been working away from home and living in a motorhome. i must say that many people thought i may not be able to cope with the isolation. but then as francesca point out what seems like an eternity ago "im very unusual as a rape vicit as i prefer the safety of being alone" and this showed quite obviously. living on a farm during the week so i had solitude from leaving work to go back the next day. admitedly i had the odd down day but i never had the urge to run away, i felt like i had run away but in an ok way.

the problems that i have had were mainly associated with returning home, i spent many weekend nights awake and very concious of my surroundings. i know i had gotten used to having no light around me being out in the country and the only sounds being naighing of a horse or the mooing of a cow, so to go back to streetlights and people passing by caused some general difficulties. i also had trouble and was very concious of my wife being next to me during the nights.
day times were worse i had lots of trouble adjusting to having others around me that i had to take account of.

in general im doing really well, whilst away i had times when i was panicking in supermarkets but i stayed a carried on my task. i think going out alone to unfamiliar places is the last bastion of my panics, the panics hasnt lessened much but i find that im now more equiped to fight them and control them.