To Mark "Chopper" Brandon Read

its new years eve and the last few days since my last post have been relatively normal apart i have been getting very angry and waking during the night and morning with the shakes. i have to get through tonight in the company of others at a party.

so for all my few readers...

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

the funky bhudda

after nearly 4 weeks of mental peace the flood gates finally opened yesterday.
In the run up to the Christmas holidays i have had some very calm weeks mentally but this was artificially created through an exceptional amount of work in my intray. Im my past i used to block my thoughts by trying to divert all my mental processes to what can be called avoidant thoughts (work work work).
This last month has taken me back there and i have to say that the peace within was very welcome, but it also caused other problems. I was very unable to complete my homeworks and this did cause problems as it does frustrate both FMC and myself. My homework revolved around going to public places and rtying to put myself in to someone elses shoes and do the tak without using my methods for survival.
The tasks were very hard especially if i wasnt allowed to look at the floor instead of the people around.
when i finally did get to doing the exercise it was very difficult i tried many different tactics to completing the exercise all with differing levels of sucess.
The chance to have several weeks of peace was nice, even if it has come with its own problem of exhaustion.
as i said earlier in my blog, the peace came to the end yesterday with an outburst of ungratefulness and selfishness that quikly turned to self loathing, crying and hatered and the want to leave and start somewhere new. my need to be with the sea was at the highest it has been for many years.
im struggling with the post christmas blues hopefully as with many people all the buildup and booze and now the big let down, i hope it doesnt hold for long as i know there are others worse off than me.