The truth is out there

On friday FMC made a point and tried to figure out if i was holding back, as if in some way to protect others and her from what i know and have experienced. The point was based around the difficulties that i have in expressing what i am thinking (if i even know at the time) and how i do or dont convey it to others.
This morning i woke early and found myself thinking about this, it is very easy to say that i have come to some conclusions about this and not explain how i came to these conclusions.
so its time for me to ramble on a little (as i do). Firstly i will say that i came to the conclusion that i do in someway try to shield people from my past and my present. This has to be something that i must get past very quickly as it doesnt help me, and it also make FMC's job a whole lot harder as without the whole story how is she supposed to help me to the best of her ability.
My conclusions arise from thinking through past actions and decisions and current methods of living. I dont know how to put this into words but i will try. The points that made me think were:-
1:- My decision not to have children, that is a two part decision.
(i) The statement that "the abused become abusers" has always been in my mind and i cant allow my past to become someone else's future. TRYING TO PROTECT.
(ii) Also by not having children i am stoping through my own fear a child from having the same fate as me. TRYING TO PROTECT.
2:- For many years i didnt talk to anyone about my past, that was for many reasons.
(i) I didnt tell my parents to stop my father doing something stupid and ending up ruining his life, i also didnt think that they would understand and may ostracise me (the opposite to what they did when they found out). Finding out did hurt my parents but i think it hurt them the most because both i and they found it very hard to talk about. I also felt the cliches of being dirty and it being my fault (this is something that FMC has tried to address that maybe in my naivety i gave out the wrong signals, and it is a very hard thing to deal with but one of the areas that i feel i am going into quite well).
(ii) I didnt tell friends and other loved ones in a way to protect them from my experiences, it was easier for me to cope with them just thinking that i was a little odd than as i thought they would deal with me (how wrong was I)
3:- At present i tend to tell people only what they need to know for a given situation, in most situations this is ok, as in certain situations like getting a job i could guarantee that not getting the job by telling people that i have a fear of men and other things brought about by ...... . This is now becomeing a problem as i dont talk to my wife enough and i am finding it hard expressing things to FMC. This is coming about as i try not to let people know everything so as not to put upon them or disturb them. It is just another way of protecting people as i have found that when i do tell people their reaction can be very different to what i expected. I have found in the past it is amazing how many people have been abused in the past and the release of telling someone who has shared the same experiences is a great help.

So yes i do seem to be my own biggest hurdle, i have a habit of trying to protect others from something that will not harm them. It can also stimulate conversation and not always from myself as we all need to talk sometimes. So now im seeing what i am doing it maybe easier for me to get past it and forge ahead.

NEWS FLASH - Even though i am finding things hard, my sessions with FMC seem to be producing positive results, my episodes are receeding and their severity has dropped dramatically, im not saying im fine but improvements are happening. Thanks FMC