I made it

Well I'm 40 today, and as one of my colleagues who knows nothing of my past put it yesterday "you actually made it" funny that...... I didn't expect to get past 21 or 30. There seems to be a pattern forming, I will have to look into it or change my life to stop 50 happening :) only joking.

How not to be sad

With views like these in my morning drive I should never be sad.

Its a new day

Why does the thought of a bright new day scare me so much?

Why do we look back?

Why do we look back? I spent too many years both running and trying to get away from my past, but yet on Friday I reverted to the "good old days" as I was going to see some old friends where I was from. Yes we have more good memories of a place than bad in general, but why do we forget the bad so easily in those situations. I'm not saying for us to cling to the bad in any stretch of anyone's imagination. All I am thinking is that it seems so much harder to look forward to a good future than to remember the good parts of a bad past.

Some times I think that I got lucky!

Stress... Its a strange thing!

Because of my past, when im stressed I have a seizure. Its quite simple, starts in the night usually but if it starts in the day I can fight it untill im somewhere safe. Its pretty easy for me.
When I look at others, dealing with stress is a very serious issue.

Some people exercise... they get adicted to endorphines....been there done that....not too bad an addiction if kept in check.

Some people smoke, a known stress level raiser and also highly addictive, with very bad side effects and complications.

Some people drink, similar out comes to smoking. Ive tried drinking, it doesnt help.

Some people do drugs, many start on soft drugs and turn to hard as the stress doesnt get any better, they also have the added problems of addiction and the physical ravages that ensue.  So not a good option either.

Im not trying to be holier than thou, but in my time ive been addicted to prescription meds (thanks doc), tried a small ammount of soft drugs (but never for escapism reasons), drunk heavily (because I could and to have fun) and done the exercise bit (untill over exercise and undereating got in the way).

My point is, even though I have a none addictive personality, looking back on things I do think my seizures are the best form of stress relief that I have ever had. They are non addictive, dont ruin other peoples lives, non voilent, dont steal, dont cause cancer, heart problems etc...

So sometimes bad things can be a blessing.

The prison without fences

After a very difficult weekend of reaction depression and stress generated by my wife. She is finding life very hard with us being appart for 2 weeks at a time. It is difficult as I do miss her terribly, but I find comfort and personal stability in a solitary life away from people.
Today though I am feeling very black, life can be very hard and I do worry about her but I really cannot cope sometimes. Sometimes curling up under a blanket and crying can be a good option to life.

Loneliness can be the hardest thing

The title says it all..... Unusually for me this week as I don't normally suffer from loneliness. It has been very very hard
.

CFS vs Mental illness

I heard a piece on the radio yesterday. The piece was about researchers into CFS who were receiving death threats from CFS sufferers for researching CFS and it's possibility of being a mental illness.
How stupid are these people? They have research teams looking into their problem and they are frightening them away with death threats. Yes they may be looking into areas that you think are a waste of time, but once they hit a dead end they with look elsewhere. Yes maybe at a post viral solution. But for now give them space to work!!!

My biggest problem though is their obvious hatred of mental illness, they are helping promote the stigma attached to mental illness.

Let me ask one philosphical question of them, "if a researcher found a link to mental illness and a drug that cured once and for all. Would they take the drug knowing they had made threats on this researchers life?"

thanks

i would like to thank 2 people that watch out for me no matter how silent i am or when i disappear.
one person that has been there for a long time and one who is quite new.

thanks with all my heart and my screwed up mind xxx

clear in a cloudy world...or is it cloudy in a clear world???

wierd times are afoot,
i dont know what is going on. everything is so confusing but clear at the same time. as ive talked before, i  seem to be at a crossroad. but things are getting very confusing.
i hate it when everything is calm but i seem to be calm and and confused at the moment.

ive been fighting with myslef all weekend, ive had taks to do that would normally be very easy but i have had serious trouble getting the mindset to start.
depression is so much easier when you do know if you are or not.

to infinity and beyond....or is it just harley time?

well folks.....this is unusual. yes im on and typing more than once in a blue moon.

cut to the chase.....im in a bit of a dilema. i feel that i have got to a cross roads in my life and its causing me lots of worry and distracting thought.
career wise i feel im at a cross roads and i dont know which way to go......at the moment it seems be that the cross roads has got an infintie number of turns / choices from it and im just stood here looking at them all. what do it do????
i dont know if i want to carry on doing what i have done for many years now, i have decided on some possiblities for the roads out but there are so many there unmarked that i dont know the reason why they are there at the moment.

So many thoughts......so little brains

hello world...its been a while...yes you know.

as you well know when i get depressed i get the urge to blog but then easily talk myself out of doing it. well....for quite a long time ive wanted to write but made all kinds of excuses not to.
Life update....... for the last 6months or so ive had some very black periods, these have been created by the stress of having both my parents come to live with us with cancer and then having to buy a property to relocate them into ( and in great dave style....that almost went dramatically wrong).
the main problem im having is getting my head around a matter of gene's ...something i can normally deal with. the problem is that i knew that from my mums side i knew that several of my family have had cancer and had genetic testing, this seems to be looking like its non-genetic. now bringing in my fathers side of the family......when we looked in depth to try get my a genetic test it came to light that about 70% of my immediate blood relatives have had cancer...many of the same forms.
being honest ...it scares me.
i know that the chances of it being passed genetically are very very small....but it is just my luck that there maybe something untowards for me.
It just hope they give me the test soon, its doing my head in!!!!

back to the drawing board

hello world,

its been a while as always, but this time i have tried to keep away intentionally. my depressive times have been more common recently. but like i say ive kept away as they have been due to work and home pressure and not what this blogs about.
Ive come to conclude "recessions are depressive".
ive also resorted to using st johns wort, my wife wanted me to go to the doctors. i decided to try things my own way.....aint that unusual.
i have missed a few and find that i do go up and down. so as always...must try harder.

playing with fire whilst comeing out

whats to be said other than my head is threatening to explode but i need to do this.

as part of my role i have taken on the job of company trainer and one of the subjects for me to train is Protection / Abuse. I looked at my notes for a previous course a couple of weeks ago and decided that i couldnt do the course in the prescribed way so set about changing it. i run the courses on 3 saturdays and sundays per month and after doing course 1 & 2 last week i wasnt completely happy with the outcome so yesterday i decided to based the course around disclosure.
so......... yesterday i came out to the group (in a victim way not the gay way) this prompted some intense discussion (more than i had ever dreamed of) and led to many other disclosures too. it worked well on many levels and not just training but did take quite a toll emotionally on me.
I ran the same format today with similar effect, the only downside was a smaller group.

the main point of this is nothing for me but a thankyou to others, to the ones for talking, listening and being. we are all great people that do great things.

return of the ugly

hello world,

it has been too long, but as those that know me........up and down on projects. the road to hell and all that.
for 4 of the last 5 months i have been working away from home and living in a motorhome. i must say that many people thought i may not be able to cope with the isolation. but then as francesca point out what seems like an eternity ago "im very unusual as a rape vicit as i prefer the safety of being alone" and this showed quite obviously. living on a farm during the week so i had solitude from leaving work to go back the next day. admitedly i had the odd down day but i never had the urge to run away, i felt like i had run away but in an ok way.

the problems that i have had were mainly associated with returning home, i spent many weekend nights awake and very concious of my surroundings. i know i had gotten used to having no light around me being out in the country and the only sounds being naighing of a horse or the mooing of a cow, so to go back to streetlights and people passing by caused some general difficulties. i also had trouble and was very concious of my wife being next to me during the nights.
day times were worse i had lots of trouble adjusting to having others around me that i had to take account of.

in general im doing really well, whilst away i had times when i was panicking in supermarkets but i stayed a carried on my task. i think going out alone to unfamiliar places is the last bastion of my panics, the panics hasnt lessened much but i find that im now more equiped to fight them and control them.

Runaway Runaway...where germany, china anywhere

good news and ive only just realised........durrrrr

nicki and i started looking for a motorhome today with a view to getting away every other weekend. ive been getting excited about and ive only just realised, "i can runaway and im allowed to do it".
no more wanting to do it, i can do it. i will be back to the days when i have my old v-dub kampa "priscilla" and i used to just pack her and go for the weekend. fair enough i will have more baggage now like wife, dogs and step children. but i can go away and see the sea, climb a mountain....it will be great.

ONCE AGAIN I WILL BE FREE

its the itchy and scratchy sho-o-ow

been rather scratchy and picky over the last few days, my head is starting to get sore today. i did get rid of my hair this morning as it does help with the problem.
i know why im nervous, its just the state of the job markets. not a problem. got ot keep my head down and just get on with things.

depressives are the strong ones

i was thinking earier today and this was brought on by a statement my wife made a few days ago. the background is that she is giving up smoking but extra to that stress she is a very hard worker but deals with stress in a very defeatist manner.
so the other day she says to me that i need to be strong as we cant afford to have 2 depressed people in the house (me being the normal depressive). the conversation developed that even though im the depressive she spends more time saying depressive things and saying she cant cope etc.
this got me thinking today like i said, "we are the strong ones" i may not seem like it but it is true.
i spend a large part of my day struggling with my own mind and the thoughs extra to what im supposed to be doing. what do i do? i carry on, forge ahead. i have bad days like most where im of no use to anyone but i carry on, we all do.
the so called non depressives are the ones that make flippant statements about " oh... i could top myself"....etc but it is us that have the genuine feelings of guilt, fear, self loathing and all the rest but most of us just carry on, we fight.

WE ARE THE FIGHTERS, THE STRONG ONES, DONT GIVE UP.

did you know " there are apple trees on the hollywood bypass"

had a funny morning this morn, whilst on the phone earlier i had a few blankspots and was seeing confusion creeping in. i didnt take much notice of it. then as i was on my way to the office i was loosing time and being very distracted (not very good on a motorbike).
things have been stressful for the last few days so i am just putting it down to this as the root cause.
hopefully no crashes this week

the calm "after" the storm... thats wrong plain wrong

today folks has been a very quiet placid day. luckily i have had a day conducive to keeping me in a good state of mind, plenty of traveling, so gardening and people that accept me for me.
nothing else to say.....int milk brill :)

1pm

today is becoming very hard, after telling my wife last night that i cant respect her because she doesnt respect herself (this is over her lies about wishing to stop smoking, not just for her but for our old age) there is a sense of coldness in the air.
ive spent a few hours chatting to my cousin today she cheers me up and i do wish we werent so far appart, but allas we are.
im getting really tired now and dull of mind, the urge to go is very great. my instinct is telling me that i have to leave after i do my evening call later as i cant let this gent down. i dont know where i would go or what i would do other than cause more upset for me and others.
i know that i wont leave, and the sea is too far away to go, but i think it is time for a pilgrimage.

there's panic on the streets of birmingham

well this is quite apt. i was chatting to my cousin yesterday, whom i found again only recently via another site. we have been chatting quite regular (partners in crime eh! cuz) she is another depressive like myself, seems like its not just me and our maternal grandfather that were the fruit cakes in the family. its nice to chat to her as we have always had a good bond from childhood, she suffers (i hate the medical term so i will use what i consider the more glamorous) manic depression and keeps me on my toes, more so she even checks up on me if i drop offline for a while.
yesterday we were chatting and it was brought up that i havent blogged for a while (this is not the reason i am blogging today) and after a rough night i decided i need to post today.
the last few weeks have been quite busy and stressful, my routines for going through daily life have been more disturbed than i have been able to cope with, not that they were always set in stone.
i think things came to a head yesterday as many things i had been thinking about (injustices) i had to turn into verbal responses so last night after working myself up whilst doing my commute. **** WARNING TO ALL, DO NOT BE ONE THE ROADS IN A VEHICLE LARGER THAN THE ONE I AM IN OR ON WHILST I AM CONFUSED. YOU ARE NOT SAFE. ESPECIALLY IF I AM ON MY BIKE****I WILL TAKE YOU ON AND WIN****
so back to the tale. i got home and got off my chest what i needed then a short while later retired to bed. i am quite emotionally tired at the moment, i have had a good few months so it isnt surprising. during the night i awoke and my senses were very strong and my mind was running over time, even though i did manage to sleep again for a short while my mind keep running in the background (at this point i have to thank "the smiths" for the title as the song has been going round in my head for weeks now and especially last night and this morning).
this morning i am very tearfull at everything, i spent most of my comute holding the tears back and analysing everything and everyone as i went past.
i just want to run away and hide at the moment, last night i wanted to go out for a long walk alone but one that i may not do the return journey for. its time for change???? lets see.

quiet times

im not feeling like writing anything indepth but a just want to write a little about things that have happened over the last week of two since my last post.
most of it happened in two separate incidents.
the first was just a lone walk out onto the main shopping street near the office. i was in a perticullar shop and started to get agitaed and panicy. i resisted the urge to get out as i had shopping to do. once out in the street i calmed down slowly over the half mile back to the office. when in the shop i looked around to see what could be disturbing me and there was nothing.
my mind is a funny old sponge sometimes.

the other event happened earlier this week. i was given the task of going to a property auction alone as nicki couldnt make it (work commitments). i had no worries about going, it was a place i had never been so i was happily traveling unkowns as i used to love.
when there i got a little nervous, and this slowly built untill about 10 minutes before the auction. i was surrounded and if i had been standing up i think i would have fainted i felt so nervous.
after the auction was over i left and spent time in the car park bringing myself together.

strange how our subconcious rules us isnt it, atleast i can now fight mine!!!!

mr barlow is back again

hello world,

after what has amounted to an unplanned couple of months away i am back to put my particular brand of musings on the web.
in these passing times many things have happened, FMC and i have finished my sessions, a sad moment but i do have to traverse the world by myself. i know i can call on her if needed which is a comfort.
i have had ups and downs, with some quite big downs but i have fought through to come out the other side. i still have cloudy days but they are just cloudy days.
i have even been worked up into an uncontrolable rage at one point, and i let it flow (not one of my best moments).
im not going to write much today as it is all past and the present and future are the most important but i am going to start and post more often.

see you soon :)

alone in a sea of people

i have been pondering something for a while, this was something that FMC pointed out in one of our sessions. we were talking and going through how i interact and feel when around others.
i prefer to be alone, i feel safe alone as there is nothing / no one for me to observe and track. where as in crowds i feel under great pressure to keep track over everyone. this presure seems to bring on my anxiety and a need to run away.
According to FMC the norm is the opposite, and i have been trying to comprehend this since we talked.
to me the logic would be safety = alone & danger =crowds. but this isnt the case obviously, i wander why? i know i could put up many arguaments as to why alone is safety but i also know my arguaments for my view points on crowds could be shot down quite easily.

I would like to hear others views an experiences on this, so please if anyone does read this please let me know what you think.

:)

sects, dregs and rotten rolls

over the last few months as i have avaiod posting i have had many enlightening thought sessions provoked by things i had seen or heard in the media and conversation in general. as i have left it so long between i cannot post about my thoughts and feelings as this would be like personal chinese wispers between myself.
i hope to do better soon.

(including my homework FMC, if i can remember what it is)

alone in a sea of people 2

its now sunday and i have been avoiding writing my posts for several weeks now. it is quite ridiculous as i am a very pro active person but i find it so hard doing this or my homeworks from FMC.
alone in a sea of people 2 - on friday i went into birmingham city centre at lunch time. i havent been their alone for over a year now, and probably only once with someone else. i knew how busy it would be, but i had to see how my feelings would differ. i had already talked to FMC about my experiences in york and how when i drove back on the friday of that week i had to drive to my office in birmingham before going home. as i came off of the motorway i felt a feeling of uneasyness and anxiety as i turned towards birmingham but as i late drove away home this lifted.
so on friday i went into birmingham, and my anxiety levels rose to panic at one time but i let it ride and it quickly subsided. i also found myself plottings everyones movements as i walked down new street to my destination. for those that dont know birmingham, new street can easily accomodate 1/4 to 1/2 million people and does get rather busy at lunch time.
my new task is to return on monday lunch and go to a bank on new street and see if my feelings have changed i will then re post.

alone in a sea of people

a couple of weeks ago now i took a new job, i had been told about it by one of my agents (a man i trust very much to advise me honestly) this job involved working for a large company at their birmingham office. Things didnt start exactly as we would have planned, i got a call from the agent late friday afternoon asking if there was any chance i could start earlier than we had planned (i wanted a week so i could tie up any other loose ends) . his call comprised of a "can you start on monday?" question, then in the same breath "can you start in york on monday?" (york is about 150 miles away). we arranged things, no interview, client to cover costs of hotels etc.
So that next monday i drove up to york, i wasnt nervous or anxious, infact i was quite happy. i have always liked york and spent much time there as a child.
the point of this post is, as i was there for several days and nights i had to walk around the city. york is a very placid place and i think this showed in my mood. i was able to walk around what could be described as a semi strange place at night and day without looking around me other than to observe my surroundings, even with several thousands of pounds worth of laptop on show.
what amazed me was how comfortable i felt, i had no need to run or hide just to enjoy life.

Elvis has entered the building

Well after what seems to be months and months away from my postings, "IM BACK" as someone once said.
The last few months have been very busy ones and things are now calming down so it is now time for me to start seeing and also observing what is going on around me.
I havent had to many problems over this time, i have my up days and down days but as i have explained before i used to use work amongst other things to keep my mind sufficiently busy so that i couldnt see what was happening within myself. Its not a good way to be even though it is nice to not be struggling and fighting with my mind and emotions.

Over the past weeks i have seen or watched things that have made me think, i saw one T.V. programme that was about self harm. It was quite enlightening as i would have never considered myself as a self harmer but as you saw the lifes of the people documented in the programme and analysed their lives i could see that how i used to run my life was a form of self harm. This included both the mental and physical activities that i took part in, dont worry FMC im not going to go off on a self harm tangent when i next see you.

Last night my wife said that she would like me to go back to my old career of contracting in the sense that i work for one employer for a long time not on a day to day hour to hour basis. Im writing about this as i found myself thinking and worrying about going back to work with strange people in strange places. Even though i loved that job i was always very worried and tense about what went on around me and who was near me.
My only question is "do i really want to go back to that life?"

I think its now time to say......yes to all i have failed in keeping this up reguarly but i will try harder now.

poppy will be your lucky flower

this last week as i have become busier than i have ever been. i have been watching myself and i have seem many old traits coming back. luckily as i know what they are i can see myself using the trick to lengthen my day and complete my tasks.
i dont want to go into the techniques that i have been using but some could be physically damaging but luckily i am able to step away and hopefully i will be able to step away more.

Hitting the wall

I think i am going to write a backwards mixed up kind of blog today. The reason is a have been monitoring myself all week after a very black few days last weekend. The prompt now though is that I have just been to the supermarket without any problems but as soon as i walked into my home i feel like i have hit a depression wall. My concentration span has gone, i feel like my head is both solid as i like to call it "i feel thick".
Now back to the story......... today is Sunday by the way, this all starts a week ago on Friday, my day was as normal but with an underlying frustration or or paranoia that i was doing to much and others weren't pulling their weight. This carried on for the day and due to tiredness that evening i went to bed early. When i awoke Saturday morning i was very depressed and angry at everyone, i quickly gathered my things and made a quick exit and went to the office. I knew the kind of day i would make a t home if i had stayed there, so to get out of peoples way was the best for all. this proved a good idea as when i had to use the phone i always ended up shouting and swearing. but post phone call i was depressive and guilt ridden.
My mental state over the the weekend was a very reserved but angry man, my reactions to all external communication was to get away (yes once again i was going to pack the car and leave). the sea has such a pull, but this time i was not bothered if i went out on my surf board and allowed the sea to just take me away.
Things have brightened during the week and returned to a more steady state, but i have been avoiding writing this post and many other post recently. I have found myself putting it down on my list of priorities.

some new on another front though, recently i have been in the street and my overriding need to keep track of everyone is starting to go away, and i don't need to look at the floor. It does make for a different life, i don't know if it is for the better yet as i think i am missing out on seeing so much. but i can only try to find a balance that i am happy with.

To Mark "Chopper" Brandon Read

its new years eve and the last few days since my last post have been relatively normal apart i have been getting very angry and waking during the night and morning with the shakes. i have to get through tonight in the company of others at a party.

so for all my few readers...

HAPPY NEW YEAR.

the funky bhudda

after nearly 4 weeks of mental peace the flood gates finally opened yesterday.
In the run up to the Christmas holidays i have had some very calm weeks mentally but this was artificially created through an exceptional amount of work in my intray. Im my past i used to block my thoughts by trying to divert all my mental processes to what can be called avoidant thoughts (work work work).
This last month has taken me back there and i have to say that the peace within was very welcome, but it also caused other problems. I was very unable to complete my homeworks and this did cause problems as it does frustrate both FMC and myself. My homework revolved around going to public places and rtying to put myself in to someone elses shoes and do the tak without using my methods for survival.
The tasks were very hard especially if i wasnt allowed to look at the floor instead of the people around.
when i finally did get to doing the exercise it was very difficult i tried many different tactics to completing the exercise all with differing levels of sucess.
The chance to have several weeks of peace was nice, even if it has come with its own problem of exhaustion.
as i said earlier in my blog, the peace came to the end yesterday with an outburst of ungratefulness and selfishness that quikly turned to self loathing, crying and hatered and the want to leave and start somewhere new. my need to be with the sea was at the highest it has been for many years.
im struggling with the post christmas blues hopefully as with many people all the buildup and booze and now the big let down, i hope it doesnt hold for long as i know there are others worse off than me.