there's panic on the streets of birmingham

well this is quite apt. i was chatting to my cousin yesterday, whom i found again only recently via another site. we have been chatting quite regular (partners in crime eh! cuz) she is another depressive like myself, seems like its not just me and our maternal grandfather that were the fruit cakes in the family. its nice to chat to her as we have always had a good bond from childhood, she suffers (i hate the medical term so i will use what i consider the more glamorous) manic depression and keeps me on my toes, more so she even checks up on me if i drop offline for a while.
yesterday we were chatting and it was brought up that i havent blogged for a while (this is not the reason i am blogging today) and after a rough night i decided i need to post today.
the last few weeks have been quite busy and stressful, my routines for going through daily life have been more disturbed than i have been able to cope with, not that they were always set in stone.
i think things came to a head yesterday as many things i had been thinking about (injustices) i had to turn into verbal responses so last night after working myself up whilst doing my commute. **** WARNING TO ALL, DO NOT BE ONE THE ROADS IN A VEHICLE LARGER THAN THE ONE I AM IN OR ON WHILST I AM CONFUSED. YOU ARE NOT SAFE. ESPECIALLY IF I AM ON MY BIKE****I WILL TAKE YOU ON AND WIN****
so back to the tale. i got home and got off my chest what i needed then a short while later retired to bed. i am quite emotionally tired at the moment, i have had a good few months so it isnt surprising. during the night i awoke and my senses were very strong and my mind was running over time, even though i did manage to sleep again for a short while my mind keep running in the background (at this point i have to thank "the smiths" for the title as the song has been going round in my head for weeks now and especially last night and this morning).
this morning i am very tearfull at everything, i spent most of my comute holding the tears back and analysing everything and everyone as i went past.
i just want to run away and hide at the moment, last night i wanted to go out for a long walk alone but one that i may not do the return journey for. its time for change???? lets see.