Century

After several weeks of building up to it, I finally did my first ever cycling century in almost 30 degree heat.
By doing it I have learnt a couple of things and compounded a couple of others..
Let's start with the compounded items.... Firstly 'slower is faster'!!! After going out a bit fast in places I really felt it in the 40-50 mile marks, but after some lunch I pulled it back together.
Secondly.... No matter what people tell you mountain bike are more comfortable than road bikes over long distances.

So onto what learnt....
1. I can do it, I did a century in 6 hours in the saddle, 7 hours total.
2. If I can do 100 miles in 7 hours I can sure as hell do 220miles + in 24hours with the correct fuelling and rest strategy.
3. If I can do it so can you 😁

7 weeks

Seven weeks to go, I've had a few easy weeks. My plan is to step things up over the next couple of weeks and then sustain it until one to two weeks before.
The weight loss has kicked back in so hopefully I will get somewhere near my 80kg target weight.

Earn.com

I've just joined earn.com. you can find me and contact me there. Profile name munkey_bwy.

Moors and Shores 2018

1 event down,  even though the course had changed I knocked 40mins off last year's distance time and I would say that my hill performance had got better in comparison to last year.
As with previous years the event was well run, very friendly and a pleasure to take part in.
For those that don't know it. It takes place in Dalby forest and goes out onto the the North Yorkshire Moors, Fylingdales and on towards Scarborough. There are two distances of approximately 46 miles & 63 miles.

1st countdown.

Less than 7 days now to the first event of my season. Moore and shores at dalby forest, last year I did the mini massif in roughly 5.25hrs including stops. I hope to complete in 4.5hrs but let's see.
I tried a new set up this weekend with a lowered carbon bar being one mod, it did leave my shoulders sore. I've raised it up 5mm so I hope that help some. I will probably try it out mid week.
I'm more apprehensive about the taper week than the ride but let's see how the week progresses.

On track....nearly

After the weekends pair of 3hr rides I have struggled a little. The energy depletion has made the will to do other things harder. I planned on a morning and evening session on the trainer but only got my 'must do' evening session in, rest day today and I will try for two on Thursday.

Last week

Last week was a bit of a grey week. Not quite black and not quite normal.
I found it difficult to do day to day things but managed to put in a full week.
This week has been better with a slow rise again. I've got back to level, done a few good turbo sessions & figured my plan for getting to that 24hr ride fitness both physically and mentally.

FTP functional threshold power test

I did a functional threshold power test last night. Apparatus from being hard it has given me a nice little boost and more will to achieve my goals.
I just have to keep riding the crest of the wave and catching it if it starts to break as I have had a couple of days where I have been getting the bi-polar spending urge.

Its been a long time stranger

As the title says, it's been a long time. Nearly five years, over those years it's been pretty up and down, divorce, meeting someone new, starting a new life, the drag of finding the right meds.
I can't say that everything is amazing, that would be a lie, but as my only downer is work it's all pretty good.
I still struggle to get out of bed during the week and also expressing my feelings and talking about what is going on in my head. I have fallen lucky with my new partner (she is great) and I also have a very supportive doctor who after several years has helped get me on a good mix of meds.
I have been getting out on my bike more and more, leading to over the last couple of years taking part in a few off road sportives. My times have been getting better along with my fitness.
Next year my goal is to complete the Rad am Ring 24hr MTB race in Germany. I'm currently working on the weight loss and fitness and will step it up a gear after Christmas.
See you soon 😁

Today

Woke with nervous shakes an a very cloudy confused mind. Light tears washed away my sleepiness.
Update later

Yesterday

Funny how life changes, separate from your soul mate and everything else falls apart.
A day of nervous shaking, holding back tears and trying not to go out of my mind.

RIP Messers Tramiel, Porsche & Marshall

It ha been a sad week in the world of the nerd. First the deaths of Jim Marshall and Ferdinand Porsche Jnr and now the death of Jack Tramiel yesterday. Thank you for your contributions to the world we live in and experience everyday. RIP men and sweet dreams.

Long old week

It's been a long old week for one that has been only 4 days.
Everyday I've wanted to stay in bed, and hide away from the world. There is one bonus, it's now a bank holiday so I've got 4 days with minimal contact with people.

6:54am and I feel good but nervous

I'm going out for the day with one of our install engineers. Isn't anxiety a funny thing, I've known this guy for at least a year but still feel nervous....!

I made it

Well I'm 40 today, and as one of my colleagues who knows nothing of my past put it yesterday "you actually made it" funny that...... I didn't expect to get past 21 or 30. There seems to be a pattern forming, I will have to look into it or change my life to stop 50 happening :) only joking.

How not to be sad

With views like these in my morning drive I should never be sad.

Its a new day

Why does the thought of a bright new day scare me so much?

Why do we look back?

Why do we look back? I spent too many years both running and trying to get away from my past, but yet on Friday I reverted to the "good old days" as I was going to see some old friends where I was from. Yes we have more good memories of a place than bad in general, but why do we forget the bad so easily in those situations. I'm not saying for us to cling to the bad in any stretch of anyone's imagination. All I am thinking is that it seems so much harder to look forward to a good future than to remember the good parts of a bad past.

Some times I think that I got lucky!

Stress... Its a strange thing!

Because of my past, when im stressed I have a seizure. Its quite simple, starts in the night usually but if it starts in the day I can fight it untill im somewhere safe. Its pretty easy for me.
When I look at others, dealing with stress is a very serious issue.

Some people exercise... they get adicted to endorphines....been there done that....not too bad an addiction if kept in check.

Some people smoke, a known stress level raiser and also highly addictive, with very bad side effects and complications.

Some people drink, similar out comes to smoking. Ive tried drinking, it doesnt help.

Some people do drugs, many start on soft drugs and turn to hard as the stress doesnt get any better, they also have the added problems of addiction and the physical ravages that ensue.  So not a good option either.

Im not trying to be holier than thou, but in my time ive been addicted to prescription meds (thanks doc), tried a small ammount of soft drugs (but never for escapism reasons), drunk heavily (because I could and to have fun) and done the exercise bit (untill over exercise and undereating got in the way).

My point is, even though I have a none addictive personality, looking back on things I do think my seizures are the best form of stress relief that I have ever had. They are non addictive, dont ruin other peoples lives, non voilent, dont steal, dont cause cancer, heart problems etc...

So sometimes bad things can be a blessing.

The prison without fences

After a very difficult weekend of reaction depression and stress generated by my wife. She is finding life very hard with us being appart for 2 weeks at a time. It is difficult as I do miss her terribly, but I find comfort and personal stability in a solitary life away from people.
Today though I am feeling very black, life can be very hard and I do worry about her but I really cannot cope sometimes. Sometimes curling up under a blanket and crying can be a good option to life.

Loneliness can be the hardest thing

The title says it all..... Unusually for me this week as I don't normally suffer from loneliness. It has been very very hard
.

CFS vs Mental illness

I heard a piece on the radio yesterday. The piece was about researchers into CFS who were receiving death threats from CFS sufferers for researching CFS and it's possibility of being a mental illness.
How stupid are these people? They have research teams looking into their problem and they are frightening them away with death threats. Yes they may be looking into areas that you think are a waste of time, but once they hit a dead end they with look elsewhere. Yes maybe at a post viral solution. But for now give them space to work!!!

My biggest problem though is their obvious hatred of mental illness, they are helping promote the stigma attached to mental illness.

Let me ask one philosphical question of them, "if a researcher found a link to mental illness and a drug that cured once and for all. Would they take the drug knowing they had made threats on this researchers life?"

thanks

i would like to thank 2 people that watch out for me no matter how silent i am or when i disappear.
one person that has been there for a long time and one who is quite new.

thanks with all my heart and my screwed up mind xxx

clear in a cloudy world...or is it cloudy in a clear world???

wierd times are afoot,
i dont know what is going on. everything is so confusing but clear at the same time. as ive talked before, i  seem to be at a crossroad. but things are getting very confusing.
i hate it when everything is calm but i seem to be calm and and confused at the moment.

ive been fighting with myslef all weekend, ive had taks to do that would normally be very easy but i have had serious trouble getting the mindset to start.
depression is so much easier when you do know if you are or not.

to infinity and beyond....or is it just harley time?

well folks.....this is unusual. yes im on and typing more than once in a blue moon.

cut to the chase.....im in a bit of a dilema. i feel that i have got to a cross roads in my life and its causing me lots of worry and distracting thought.
career wise i feel im at a cross roads and i dont know which way to go......at the moment it seems be that the cross roads has got an infintie number of turns / choices from it and im just stood here looking at them all. what do it do????
i dont know if i want to carry on doing what i have done for many years now, i have decided on some possiblities for the roads out but there are so many there unmarked that i dont know the reason why they are there at the moment.

So many thoughts......so little brains

hello world...its been a while...yes you know.

as you well know when i get depressed i get the urge to blog but then easily talk myself out of doing it. well....for quite a long time ive wanted to write but made all kinds of excuses not to.
Life update....... for the last 6months or so ive had some very black periods, these have been created by the stress of having both my parents come to live with us with cancer and then having to buy a property to relocate them into ( and in great dave style....that almost went dramatically wrong).
the main problem im having is getting my head around a matter of gene's ...something i can normally deal with. the problem is that i knew that from my mums side i knew that several of my family have had cancer and had genetic testing, this seems to be looking like its non-genetic. now bringing in my fathers side of the family......when we looked in depth to try get my a genetic test it came to light that about 70% of my immediate blood relatives have had cancer...many of the same forms.
being honest ...it scares me.
i know that the chances of it being passed genetically are very very small....but it is just my luck that there maybe something untowards for me.
It just hope they give me the test soon, its doing my head in!!!!

back to the drawing board

hello world,

its been a while as always, but this time i have tried to keep away intentionally. my depressive times have been more common recently. but like i say ive kept away as they have been due to work and home pressure and not what this blogs about.
Ive come to conclude "recessions are depressive".
ive also resorted to using st johns wort, my wife wanted me to go to the doctors. i decided to try things my own way.....aint that unusual.
i have missed a few and find that i do go up and down. so as always...must try harder.

playing with fire whilst comeing out

whats to be said other than my head is threatening to explode but i need to do this.

as part of my role i have taken on the job of company trainer and one of the subjects for me to train is Protection / Abuse. I looked at my notes for a previous course a couple of weeks ago and decided that i couldnt do the course in the prescribed way so set about changing it. i run the courses on 3 saturdays and sundays per month and after doing course 1 & 2 last week i wasnt completely happy with the outcome so yesterday i decided to based the course around disclosure.
so......... yesterday i came out to the group (in a victim way not the gay way) this prompted some intense discussion (more than i had ever dreamed of) and led to many other disclosures too. it worked well on many levels and not just training but did take quite a toll emotionally on me.
I ran the same format today with similar effect, the only downside was a smaller group.

the main point of this is nothing for me but a thankyou to others, to the ones for talking, listening and being. we are all great people that do great things.

return of the ugly

hello world,

it has been too long, but as those that know me........up and down on projects. the road to hell and all that.
for 4 of the last 5 months i have been working away from home and living in a motorhome. i must say that many people thought i may not be able to cope with the isolation. but then as francesca point out what seems like an eternity ago "im very unusual as a rape vicit as i prefer the safety of being alone" and this showed quite obviously. living on a farm during the week so i had solitude from leaving work to go back the next day. admitedly i had the odd down day but i never had the urge to run away, i felt like i had run away but in an ok way.

the problems that i have had were mainly associated with returning home, i spent many weekend nights awake and very concious of my surroundings. i know i had gotten used to having no light around me being out in the country and the only sounds being naighing of a horse or the mooing of a cow, so to go back to streetlights and people passing by caused some general difficulties. i also had trouble and was very concious of my wife being next to me during the nights.
day times were worse i had lots of trouble adjusting to having others around me that i had to take account of.

in general im doing really well, whilst away i had times when i was panicking in supermarkets but i stayed a carried on my task. i think going out alone to unfamiliar places is the last bastion of my panics, the panics hasnt lessened much but i find that im now more equiped to fight them and control them.

Runaway Runaway...where germany, china anywhere

good news and ive only just realised........durrrrr

nicki and i started looking for a motorhome today with a view to getting away every other weekend. ive been getting excited about and ive only just realised, "i can runaway and im allowed to do it".
no more wanting to do it, i can do it. i will be back to the days when i have my old v-dub kampa "priscilla" and i used to just pack her and go for the weekend. fair enough i will have more baggage now like wife, dogs and step children. but i can go away and see the sea, climb a mountain....it will be great.

ONCE AGAIN I WILL BE FREE