what a wonderful life :)

Its Friday morning and i have just had my session with CMF, and after a 2 week layoff the session got quite in a swing. It was very hard work but turned out quite fruit full.
CMF knows that i am quite good at avoiding subjects and so after one or two false starts the session did get quite taxing and made me both very nervous, anxious and also got me emotional enough to bring a tear or two to my eye.
My homework from the previous session was to enter situations that make me anxious and not try to escape or change the situation, the airport last week being quite a big one. Also this morning i changed my routine from when i parked the car to getting to my session with CMF, i added another task other than getting to the session. The normal task usually involves me walking a certain route. I changed this route and even added the goal of finding the office of a particular company in a part of town that i had never been to. My goal of finding the company failed but situation was enough to raise my stress levels, and i also resisted going back and walking my route afterwards.
Back at the session we talked about the day of the incident and discussed more in depth about the situations of victim / instigator. unfortunately as i don't remember too much about the whole time we were hypothesizing and talking about teenage hood and how a person responds to a situation, or how their mannerisms affect what or how others respond to them.
I, as i know many others find it very hard to say "i am the victim" you always carry with you the thoughts based on 'what if' 'did i' ' was it me' or many other variations. Today helped to bring many of mine to light, even though i know that i think them, saying them and exploring them more so are very difficult. My doubts and punishments seem to be based on the fact that even though i am obviously masculine i do allow my feminine side to show through and always have. could this have given the man the wrong signals. did idle chit chat bring out the fact that as a teenager i didn't have a girlfriend, i had a crush on a girl but that is as far as it went. I was very naive as a teenager and have been told many times since that i couldn't see someone making advances to me even if they shouted it into my ears and kissed me.
So thinking about it did i have the wrong combination of signs as a teenager that attracted this person to do what they did. this doesn't change the fact that i was a victim but can help me figure out the "why me" part that is always there. This why me has been quite a big prompt for the actions that i have done since with my life and my body.
As i have said before i am not interested in knowing what happened that day, but to truly settle and be able to move on i need to sort out the whys?????
what if:-
i hadn't gone to is house would things be different - probably, but by this happening it has opened so many other routes in my life that may have never been there.
what if i had denied myself to myself and i was gay - sorry guys you just arent my thing, women just have that thing that attracts me......maybe im a lesbian!!!!!
what if i had killed myself after - that wouldnt answer anything, i may have caused more hurt to others than i have ever been through myself.
what if it was me that actually started it - i believe that maybe my naivety could have opened me up as an easy target.
what if i had said yes out of curiosity - i have never been gay curious. from a designers perspective "men just dont have the beauty of form that a woman has"
was i just in the wrong place at the wrong time - i could well have been. but i think maybe over time i may have been groomed through regular visits to this persons home.
what if i had had a girlfriend - i dont think that would have put him off, would have just made home more cautious.
is being slightly effeminate a problem for a man or just a problem with society - that is for you to answer!!!!
did my inquisitive mind and naivety get me into trouble without knowing - yes.
had i been groomed - i remember him being a gay male with no bisexual leanings, but why did he have hertero sexual porn magazines.

i could go on and on (i think) but that is not the point, i don't need to come to peace with the past and stop punishing myself about it. but what i need the most is to open up my future and learn to relax in the world that i am in now. a world that i know is as safe for me as it is for anyone else, one where i can both give an receive love and affection. It would be nice to be able to hold my wife or parents and not have the voice in the back of my mind saying 'pull away you are too close, you are unsafe'
As CMF and i talked earlier, i developed a tool set for survival as a teenager. these tools helped in the short term. but over the last twenty years i have seen them ruin relationships and sections of my life, i have also seen them open new doors that never may have happened. but in a simplistic sense they are now broken and useless for my life now and for the future that i want to have.
my 'omework' <---(CMF that ones for you) for this week is based around the tool set. the goal is to list my tools for survival and then to propose another set more suited to life now. I will amend this page as i write the lists.
Current tools:-
1. Runaway physically (my favorite - to the sea, or just move home)
2. Block emotions.
3. keep myself mentally active.
4. Never be in one place too long (doesnt really happen anymore as i have responsibilities now...work ugh)
5. Mental colapse (my brain is part of me, and it is its way of telling me enough is enough!!!)
6. Constant monitoring of my surrounding, at home or in public. Visually or Auraly.
New Tools:-
1. Relax
2. Trust
3. Alow the panic to set in, and then let it go away.
4. Believe in my belief that other people are good.